my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
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