ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Drunk is a universal language darling
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
