I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Randomize
