I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
