Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
