Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
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