I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
