It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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