Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He better not be in your backpack
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
