Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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