I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
