A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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