dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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