So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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