i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
