Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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