so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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