Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
