I will die if light touches me.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
