Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
