It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
