My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
