We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
