so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
