I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Randomize
