The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
FUCK WHALES
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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