You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
