I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Randomize
