You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
