I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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