haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I want her autograph on my taint
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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