Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
