Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
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