my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
