You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
