When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
