She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
