overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i think i just lost a toe
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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