I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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