mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
