No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
