Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
