I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Randomize
