well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
