Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Randomize
