how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
