I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You can't special order awesome
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Randomize
