i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
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