My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
