Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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