I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Holy sore nipples Batman
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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