I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
