I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Randomize
