everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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