Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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