This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
